- My abstinence is no sugar, no alcohol, three meals a day (no more, no less), nothing in between and no seconds. I am not worrying too much about a food plan right now. I broke this abstinence on Christmas Day by snacking on Chex Mix between meals and then I broke it every day for nearly a week by skipping breakfast and then snacking in the afternoons and/or evenings. According to my own rules, I said that if I had a small slip, I would keep my abstinence date of 8/18/15 but that if I had a major slip or two or more days of slipping I would take a new abstinence date.
- 12/31/15 is my new abstinence date! When I stopped counting days, I found it easier to stay sane but also easier to overlook a slip. Should I count days or not? I'm not sure yet.
- I want to re-commit myself to working with my sponsor. I feel she has so much to teach me but I haven't been taking advantage of her experience strength and hope. I'm making too many decisions on my own and struggling too much. I'm relying too much on casual back and forth texting with another fellow who is in the trenches with me, and I need to seek more advice from people who have good, strong, long-term recovery.
- I started working a Big Book Awakening program in mid-December. I'm excited and nervous--it's a lot of work, but I need to be doing a lot of work to recover. I have the time now, and I might not always have it. Because I'm doing that program, I might be writing here less, but part of recommitting to my sponsor is regular writing and regular contact. I also won't be working the steps in the same way, I'll be working the steps through BBA. I am currently on step 1!
- I'm also writing a few lines a night in a journal just recapping the day as a practice to foster gratitude and living in the present.
- I went to an amazing three-hour workshop yesterday on chronic slippers and the people that sponsor them. I have so many topics to write on from that presentation, but it gave me a lot to think about.
- Kids go back to school tomorrow! Praise the baby Jesus! It will be much easier to find structure and routine with the kids in school.
- Weigh in day tomorrow, and I'm anxious about it. I have been consistently weighing myself once a week for the last month or so. Sometimes refraining from weighing is harder than not eating. I have been up and down in the past few weeks, so I don't know what to expect. I think I may have to choose between having a food plan that makes me feel sane but doesn't get me that thin and a food plan that helps me lose weight but makes me obsessive. Sometimes the thinnest people in OA do NOT seem like the sanest people, and the sanest people are not the thinnest. Still struggling with what the right course of action is there, but for now my shitty first draft of abstinence is what I have in place. I am beginning to believe that if forced to choose between being sane and being thin, I would choose sane. Until I have to go to a high school reunion and then I'll choose skinniness over sanity any day. I feel like rolling my eyes at myself.
Happy new year! I am beyond grateful that this is the first new year in at least 25 years that I haven't started out with resolutions, diets, gym memberships, and Biggest Loser marathons.Even during the week I was breaking abstinence pretty much every day, I had this small, quiet voice telling me that this is just the process and that I'm having the experience I need to be having. I feel lucky to be on this path.